(The following is a transcript from a meeting that never happened between people who don't exist discussing an art project that would be great to do in response to events that really did happen this week in America.)
Cruz: Hi everybody, thank you for coming to this meeting of the Arts Council for Democracy. I want to start off by saying this coffee is delicious. Make sure you thank the guys over at
Four Barrel next time you're in, and they want me to let you know the public is invited to their coffee tastings every Thursday at two. They'll teach you a thing or two.
(laughter from group)
Now I'll hand the floor over to Suzy who has a report on the progress of Project C.
Suzy: Project C, you know it better as the Confessional Project, or Congressional Confessional, is almost ready to debut. We need a couple more actors and we'll have the whole troupe, and we still need a truck. Did anybody happen to buy a truck this week?
(laughter)
Suzy: Rats, I guess not.
Cruz: Never hurts to ask!
Suzy: No, well, I don't know, sometimes it hurts to ask.
Cruz: But, that's another story.
Suzy: Yes, a very sad story between me and my girlfriend.
Cruz: Ooh. Okay, but we digress.
Suzy: Yes. Sorry. Anyway. The actors. We have a George Washington and a fantastic Benjamin Franklin. We signed up a passable John Adams yesterday. He's working on his hair and his accent a little more. What we really need is a Martha Washington and a Thomas Jefferson. We've got to have Thomas. Without Thomas we won't get the press we need, and he has to be brilliant, educated, he really has to know his stuff. We can feed him his lines in the confessional, but if he gets interviewed outside the confessional, on the sidewalk, we need him to be able to bury anybody in good, solid understanding of constitutional principals. So ideally, a constitutional lawyer, philosopher and historian who also happens to be an incredible actor.
Cruz: And he has to look like Thomas jefferson!
(laughter)
Suzy: No, actually we're beyond that. I forgot to tell you our Benjamin Franklin is Ugandan.
(spattering of applause from group)
Suzy: Seriously, he really is. He's awesome. So anyone, man, woman, any race or age, anyone who fits all of the quantitative requirements of the Thomas Jefferson and is willing to put on the wool underwear and the poofy pants and ridiculous shirt and wear the wig, they'll do. We just really need he or she to truly believe, at least while they are out there, that they actually are Thomas Jefferson. That's the only way for this to work.
Cruz: They have to channel Thomas Jefferson. That's really the point, not even being funny here, but if we can get the right person, with enough power of personality to channel Thomas Jefferson in front of the steps of the Congress the impact we can make might be personal. You know, we are not trying to embarrass anybody or just to make a spectacle. I mean, yes, installing confessional booths on the sidewalk in front of Congress is going to create a spectacle, of course it is, and seeing the founding fathers waiting in the confessionals for the Congress People to come out and confess to them their sins will definitely cause some to feel embarrassed, but what we truly hope to accomplish with Project C, the Confessional Project, is to inspire the hearts of our elected representatives to reclaim their heritage by channelling the wit and wisdom and appreciation for all people inherent in the original constitution.
Suzy: We are especially trying to get Jason Altmire out there in a Congressional Confessional, pronto.
Cruz: Yes, Pennsylvania Democrat
Jason Altmire.
Suzy: You guys probably didn't hear this yet. Oh man. It's going to erk you. But it's just such perfect timing that we got these confessionals built at this time, and that we are ready to deploy them, the timing is perfect, as soon as we get a truck...
Cruz: Yes, a truck! Anyone!
Suzy: Listen. Let me tell you about Jason Altmire. yesterday, on the floor of Congress--the effing floor of effing Congress!--Pennsylvania Democrat Jason Altmire stood up and
announced that he would not vote for the health care bill unless he was told it was appropriate to do so by Catholic bishop in his home district.
(excited murmering)
Cruz: Seriously. He is taking orders from the Catholic Church. A democratically elected United States Congressman, who is sworn to uphold the Constitution, is taking orders from the Catholic church.
Suzy: So there goes our separation of church and state. Our legislators are officially taking their orders from the church now. This is real.
Cruz: Tell them why he did it, Suzy.
Suzy: He did it in reference to an amendment Pro-Life representatives added on to the health care bill at the last minute. It is called the
Stupak Amendment, and it threatens women’s reproductive rights by severely limiting insurance companies’ ability to cover the cost of abortions.
Cruz: A gigantic step backwards for reproductive rights, if anyone is interested. Not as egregious as a democratically elected legislator taking orders from church leaders, but still...a little egregious.
Suzy: We need to get a truck and we need to find our Thomas Jefferson and we need to get Congressional Confessionals onto the sidewalk in front of the House of Representatives ASAP and we need to give these poor sons of bees a chance to confess their sins against us. We are supposed to be who they worship. We are supposed to be the ones they serve. They can come to us and confess and ask to be forgiven and we will give them a penance. That reminds me, do we have the penances written yet?
Cruz: Yes we have one for each representative, so if any of them come over we are ready.
Suzy: What if Jason Altmire comes over. What's his penance.
Cruz: He has to write the
First Amendment on a chalkboard a hundred times.
Suzy: Seriously?
Cruz: Yes, we have a giant chalkboard on wheels and everything.
Suzy: I love that!
Cruz: We just need a truck. One truck. Nobody has a truck? Anybody know how to steal a truck?
(laughter)
