It is a poverty when you're pretty good at whatever you do but your competitors are champions.
Nevada knows what I'm talking about. Like the proverbial Olympic runner who would have won gold if he was just half a second faster in the 100, Nevada is surrounded by slightly more better states.
Skiing is better in Utah. Camping is better in California. Cults are wierder in Colorado. Wyoming's got Yellowstone. Arizona has the Grand Canyon. New Mexico gets all the good UFOs.
What I'm saying is that Nevada needs gambling. Nevada needs prostitution. Why else would anyone go there except on their way somewhere else?
At the precise geographical entry point of Nevada coming from the east on I-80, actually cuddling the State Line, is a massive, sparkling casino. Behind it is an exploding bouquet of neon signs and billboards for gambling addiction hotlines and brothels.
Yes, brothels, too, need to advertise in these difficult times.
Redundantly, across the highway, is a sign reading, "Welcome to Nevada!"
If you're thinking of hitting Nevada, it's a safe bet you are coming for one of two reasons, all preceding and subsequant puns intended.
Even though one night in a hotel in Reno by no means qualifies me as an expert on the place, especially since I spent the evening in the hot tub with Audrey, I will do what I can here to set you up so your next trip to Nevada is a success.
As far as gambling goes, you don't need any advice. You are either going to end up here:
Or here:
Either way you smell terrible when its over.
For those of you thinking of sampling Nevada's other natural resource, you will find the following information helpful, courtesy of the Pussy Cat Ranch, a link to which I found on the Chamber of Commerce website for the city of Winnemucca, Nevada:
Brothel Etiquette Guide
1) Behave Like A Gentleman In a Legal Brothel.
2) If you are sitting at the bar having a drink and a Lady introduces herself to you, offer to light her cigarette, even if you don't smoke.
3) Control Your Alcohol. It's a fact. Alcohol does have an affect on your libido.
4) Tip The Bartenders.
5) When Asked, Give The Ladies A Dollar For The Jukebox.
6) Looking nice creates a good first impression with the Ladies. And good hygiene on your part goes a long way for a good time.
7) No Knifes, Guns Or Weapons Of Any Kind.
8) Condom use Is The Law. Don't try to bargain your way out of it.
9) If You Get Walked, Don't Take It Personally.
10) Relax And Have A Good Time. Act as if you belong there. Soak it all in.
Being as I was raised in a non-prostitution-friendly state, I admit I do have a few questions about this list.
1) Imagine doing something that would get you "walked" from a whorehouse. Now imagine not taking it personally.
2) What exactly do they mean by good hygiene on your
part?
And 3) Soak what all in?
The mystery of what awaits us in paradise continues, despite our arrival. After five solid days of clear blue skies, torrential rain today obfuscated our view of Lake Tahoe, Sacramento, Napa and Berkeley.
